The White House, April 1, 2014 – President Barack Obama in his capacity as Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States of America today announced the successful annexation of Cabo San Lucas to protect American vital interests in this strategic location at the tip of the Baja Peninsula.

Under direct orders from President Obama, U.S. Navy Seals led by Lt. Jordan O’Neil completed the acquisition of Cabo San Lucas including the embarkation points for large cruise ships in a pre-dawn action today. No casualties or any impact to the local population, atmospheric carbon levels or hormonal whales were reported.cabo


During the past few months, President Obama became increasingly concerned about the plight of U.S. time-share owners and alarmed by the threatened suspension of room-service by the Mexican government at resorts situated along the Gulf of California and the Pacific Ocean.

If these owners were compelled by protracted inconvenience to sell their interests in resort properties (e.g., loss of room-service and exhaustion of margarita salt supplies) that could conceivably result in reduced income redistribution transfer revenues to achieve administration social-justice goals.


The president also announced plans for a Tuesday, April 15 plebiscite for the residents of Cabo San Lucas, under the protection of the U.S. Navy Seals and supervision drones, to choose whether they want to remain with Mexico or join the United States. If they opt for the latter, these residents will then be asked to select their choice of income-taxation jurisdiction: Arizona, 4.54 percent, California; 12.3 percent, New Mexico, 4.9 percent or Texas, 0 percent.

Responding to threats of punitive economic sanctions advocated in the United Nations by Russia, Syria, Iran, North Korea and others, President Obama announced that he is prepared to send Vice President Joe Biden and/or Secretary of State John Kerry to these countries to talk at them until they withdraw their contemplated actions. If these tough actions are insufficient, the president will send Vice President Biden and Secretary Kerry as many times as necessary until these nations come to their collective senses and/or beg us to stop the filibuster.

John Kerry hugs Joe Biden after being sworn in as U.S. Secretary of State during a ceremony at the State Department in Washington

Another option on the table is to impose the Affordable Care Act (ACA) on Russia, Syria, Iran, North Korea or any other nation supporting economic sanctions against the United States. The president said instituting Obamacare by force would be a “last resort” as he does not want to impose any program that is opposed by the majority of any nation.

“The plight of American citizens in neighboring nations is in the strategic vital interest of the United States,” said President Obama. “When American time-share owners are directly threatened by the immediate suspension of room service and the withholding of margarita salt that left me with no option but to send Lt. O’Neil (e.g., G.I. Jane, Demi Moore) and the Seals to Cabo.”



Once the Cabo San Lucas peninsula is secured and the plebiscite is held with the local residents naturally voting to join the United States, President Obama plans on conducting an inspection tour of the strategic destination, starting with the first tee.


Cautionary Statement: None of the statements made above constitute a guarantee for those interested in investing in Cabo San Lucas time shares, ordering room service or trading in margarita salt futures on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Investors contemplating trading or appropriating legal tender as a result of the U.S. strategic annexation of Cabo San Lucas are encouraged to contact Goldman Sachs, J.P. Morgan, Morgan Stanley, the appropriate hedge fund or your investment advisor.


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