Charter Spectrum Provides Unprecedented Volatility to Customers

Kathleen Sebelius Named Charter Chief Information Officer 

STAMFORD, CT., May 15, 2016 – Capitalizing on its legacy Sputnik technology cluster, Charter Communications, Inc. (NASDAQ: SELL) today introduced its new suite of binary Internet and cable TV solutions, providing its long-suffering customer base with unprecedented opportunities to endure Sometimes On, Sometimes Not™ Internet and cable.itnightmare

Charter with its binary Internet and cable television, replicates the on-and-off repetition of digital semiconductor technologies, and transfers them directly to overpaying customers. This landmark technology provides unparalleled unpredictability as to when and for how long the company’s technologies will be operationally unoptimized.

“While others focus on the promise of social, mobile and cloud technologies, Charter Spectrum is taking a great leap backward with its Sputnik technology cluster,” said Thomas M. Rutledge, Charter chief executive officer. “The Internet and cable television, particularly on-demand streaming, has become way too predictable and dependable for way too many people around the world. This era of instant reliability must change, and it must change now.”

In order to accommodate a paradigm shift from digital-to-analog-to-Stone Age Internet and Cable TV, Charter announced today that Obamacare website architect Kathleen Sebelius is joining the Charter team as its new chief information officer.sebelius

“Many grew up adjusting antennas on top of their VHF/UHF black-and-white televisions,” said Sebelius. “We want to bring back that simpler time and with it a sense of fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD) for our customers, shareholders, employees and other critical stakeholders.”

Charter, which extolls the virtue of mandated “bundling” of Web 2.0 Internet with 19th Century wireline telephony infrastructure for only $49.98 per month, is also offering customers targeted cable channels, denying them access to local-and-regional networks.

For example, West coast viewers are provided in Charter Spectrum’s suite of 600+ channels access to the Big Ten Network (e.g., Great Lakes states) and ESECPN (good-ole boy states). At the same time, once again there is no Charter agreement to feature Pac-12 Networks. Football fans, subscribing to Charter in Washington, Oregon, California, Arizona, Colorado and Utah can check out this coming fall the likes of Rutgers, Maryland, Purdue, Indiana, Vanderbilt and Arkansas instead.

rutledge

In announcing Sometimes On, Sometimes Not™ Internet and Cable TV, Rutledge said Charter’s unpredictability play is intended to entice the adults at Comcast and other Internet and cable providers to seriously consider mercifully acquiring Charter.

“Please, please with sugar on top: Acquire us, Comcast,” implored Rutledge. “Our customer base can’t stand it any longer. Besides if you acquire us, I can then cash-in on my multi-million-dollar “Golden Parachute,” riding off to the sunset after driving Charter Spectrum into the ground.”

Webcast Information: An audio webcast of Charter’s Sometimes On, Sometimes Not™ Internet and Cable announcement webcast can be accessed by contacting Comcast’s reliable Internet division at http://www.comcast.net

About Charter Spectrum

Charter Communications, Inc. (NASDAQ: SELL) is a trailing broadband communications company and the lamest cable operator in the United States. Charter provides a full range of primitive Sputnik cluster broadband services, including Sometimes On, Sometimes Not ™ video entertainment programming, Internet denial, and analog voice. More information about Charter can be found at charter.com (provided that our Internet and cable services are working)itnightmare1

 

 

 

 

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