New York, N.Y. – The New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) today announced the formation of a sister exchange/wholly owned subsidiary, the Toilet Paper Stock Exchange (TPSE).

The “Tipsie”  began trading today with its first full flush of excitement at 9:30 am (EDT), 6:30 am (PDT).

The commodity units utilized for Tipsie trading are known as Resources Of Limited Life (ROLLS). Digital Trading Platforms (TP) have been established by the TPSE to facilitate the buying and selling of increasingly valuable toilet paper.

“We have never in our lifetimes witnessed the unbelievable demand for the ultimate recession proof product: toilet paper,” said Stacey Cunningham, NYSE Group president. “One way or the other, we all will use this strategic commodity each day, sometimes multiple times a day.

“If we must use ROLLS, and some even resort to evil hoarding of this product (see Costco), why can’t investors trade these ROLLS, employing our TPs under the regulatory oversight of the newly created federal Toilet Paper Exchange Commission or TPEC?”

The “Tipsie” immediately reported brisk initial trading with each ROLL fetching an average price of $69.95, representing a total market capitalization (number of rolls issued x sales price) exceeding $1 trillion.

Only Microsoft ($1.20 trillion) and Apple ($1.11 trillion)at the close of trading on the final day of Q1 2020 rival toilet paper in attainment of 13-digit institutional (i.e., buy and sell side) and retail investor inflows (not to be confused with outflows).

Cunningham cautioned investors to fully expect the trading of ROLLS to remain volatile and fluid for the duration of the Corona Virus (COVID-19) global pandemic. The unprecedented and inexplicable demand of toilet is expected to continue for weeks, if not months.

“Just like any other market — from tulips to Internet start-ups to toilet paper — we must guard against commodification,” said Cunningham. “Most of all we need to cover our … derrieres … if the demand for toilet paper falls and the supply of ROLLS run out. Otherwise, we may feel a little … Tipsie.”

Safe Harbor Cautionary Statement — Institutional and retails investors are summarily cautioned that trading on the increasingly volatile and fluid  TPSE or “Tipsie” requires a certain degree of risk in which the value of ROLLS may actually fluctuate regardless of whether the TPSE or TPs (Trading Platforms) are utliized. The TPSE expressly follows the dictates of the Toilet Paper Exchange Commission (TPEC), the federal Department of Justice, the Federal Trade Commission, the Security Exchange Commission and other regulatory bodies.

About the Toilet Paper Stock Exchange (“Tipsie”)

The Toilet Paper Stock Exchange or “Tipsie” is a sister trading platform to the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) and a wholly owned subsidiary. The express purpose of the Tipsie is to facilitate the orderly buying and selling of Resource of Limited Life or (ROLLS), using the exchanges digital trading platforms or (TPs).

Almost DailyBrett Editor’s Note: 

Serious consideration was given to taking a pass on this blog’s annual “April Fool’s” post for obvious reasons. However, the strange global obsession with all things toilet paper is a strange global obsession. Buy reasonable amounts of toilet paper, if you can. More importantly, stay healthy. Stay very safe.

— TPSE —

https://ir.theice.com/governance/executive-management-team/default.aspx