There seems to be plenty of online advice for WOWs (Wives of Widowers) and GOWs (Girlfriends of Widowers), but Almost DailyBrett struck out finding comparable guidance for HOWs and BOWs.
Silly me. Your author used to think it was far better to be widower and to periodically talk positively about a deceased wife than it was to be a bitter divorcee and talk horribly about an ex-wife or ex-husband. Guess one can be wrong.
The counsel that is being provided to the fairer sex about dating widowers remembering blissful marriages is far from universal. The direction includes compelling the widower to lock all of his late wife’s gear, including photos, in a pharaoh’s tomb-style steamer trunk (UK Guardian columnist Mariella Frostrup) and throw away the key.
Another opines (blogger Julie Donner Andersen) that it would be “inhumane and selfish” to demand that a widower put all of his memories in a box. At the same time, she concluded that a widower maybe looking to the heavens for permission from his dead wife to fall in love with someone new.
A third input (author/marketer Abel Keogh) simply suggests that it is time to move on, if a widower dedicates an online or literal shrine to his departed wife.
Let’s see: Real or digital shrines are kosher for mothers, fathers, siblings, children, but verboten for deceased wives … Not sure Almost DailyBrett is following the (il)logic.
Your author’s response as a widower to this “advice” and the “counsel” emanating from the relationship Pharisees is to ask: Have you ever walked in a widower’s shoes?
Yours truly never thought he would ever have to “overcome” a two-decade-plus successful marriage. One could reasonably conclude this experience was a plus that one actually knows how to make a marriage stand the test of time.
Having read advice columns and blogs on this subject and factoring in dating experiences, one is now tempted to come to an all together different conclusion.
During nearly seven years as a single follicly challenged dude, Almost DailyBrett heard a litany of complaints from recent and not-so-recent divorcees about their ex-spouses including using charming names such as a..hole, d..k and the fact that his parents were not married when he was born.
Is it a blast to listen to this dialogue? Nope. And for some reason these negative vibrations are somehow better than listening to a widower talking about his positive relationship with his late wife.
Sitting there politely while a female of the species verbally unloads on her ex is somehow commendable, but a knuckle-dragging male musing romantically in moderation about his dearly departed in the presence of a contending female is insensitive. Sure.
Should a widower temper his discussion about the late wife, and be cognizant about the dangers of overdoing it? Absolutely. Should he take all of these memories, put a sock in it and permanently seal them away in a mental or real vault, never to be opened again?
Is this suggestion realistic?
The trouble with widowers, which Almost DailyBrett heard more than once, is that if widowers discuss our late spouses more than a few times that triggers a knee-jerk conclusion from the mind readers that we have not come to terms with the passing of our beloved wives. Widowers are not ready for a prime-time relationship with someone with a totally different set of genes.
How else can we put it? She’s dead. She’s not coming back. To death did us part.
The answer to addressing the subject of a positive marriage to a dearly deceased wife and a bitter divorce to an (add appropriate explicative) offending guy is communication. Almost DailyBrett has always contended and probably always will believe that how a couple addresses conflict rather than days of wine and roses dictates the success of a relationship.
It all boils down to verbal intercourse.
Regardless of whether a previous marriage ended in death or divorce, there are memories and mementos. The longer the marriage, the deeper the emotions and the thoughts about special places and times. Most likely there will be pictures, some more intimate than others. There may be art. There may be letters and cards.
Should all of these be put into a steamer trunk, locked and placed into the hold of the Lusitania?
Sensitivity is a two-way street. There should not be a double standard. Discussing an ex, whether it is by a female or male speaker, and whether divorce or death results in a spouse becoming a former spouse, should be done with care. We need to consider the comfort level of those receiving the message and be sensitive to their feelings.
At the same time, those dating a divorcee, a widower or a widow need to come to terms with the undeniable fact that there was someone prominent in that person’s past. There must be some accommodation, but not in an unlimited manner. This is a real or potential conflict, but it can be solved if both sides wish to do so.
If not, a WOW or a GOW could end up competing against the dead. The result may very well be a relationship on life support.
Almost DailyBrett note: The acronyms WOW and GOW originate from blogger Julie Donner Andersen. Very clever.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/01/mariella-frostrup-widower-first-wife
http://juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com/2009/04/enough-already-when-widower-talks.html
http://abelkeogh.com/writing/widower-red-flag.php
https://almostdailybrett.wordpress.com/2011/01/22/competing-against-the-dead/
(Almost) DailyBrett 
Yes, I’ve walked in your shoes, Kevin. I’m a remarried widower. Lost my late wife over a decade ago and married again soon after. Marathon Girl and I just celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary two months ago.
You need to put my advice about the shrine in the correct context: There’s nothing wrong with a shrine unless you’re in a serious/committed relationship with another woman. At that point a widower needs to decide if he can give the new woman the number one spot in his heart and his life.
Most women are accepting of a widower’s past and understand that she will always occupy a special place in a widower’s heart. No one expects widower to forget that part of his life and never talk about the late wife or mention her again. But when a woman falls in love with the widower she wants to feel like she’s the center of his universe instead of someone who’s competing with a ghost.
Verbal intercourse is great but ultimately a relationship is defined by the actions of those in the relationship—not what they tell each other. It’s easy to say “I love you.” It’s hard to show someone that you really care. Words without action that back them up are meaningless.
In the emails I receive from GOWs, problems arise when the widower tells the woman he loves her and is committed to her but the woman looks around and sees the late wife’s photographs everywhere, her clothes in the closet, or her toiletries in the bathroom and nothing that celebrates or commemorates the new relationship.
Ultimately it’s up to the two individuals to decide how much, if anything, from the past should be part of their relationship. If someone can live with a shrine to the late wife in their home, that’s fine. But most people aren’t into threesomes. Marriage is making two hearts one. Those who introduce others or feelings for others into the a relationship, are simply asking for trouble.
A sensitive kind man….. Praise The Lord!
Thank you Abel…I am a GOW and we have dated for 18 months so I am looking for answers to why I feel so insecure in our relationship and the comment about not being able to see anything that celebrates our new relationship is a problem. He has pictures of his late wife which I have never complained about but there are some really cute pictures of us and I guess it’s time for me to have it framed and presented to him to put in the bedroom. There are also furnishings, decor, toiletries, bubble bath which say “She lived here” after five years he hasn’t injected his style or tastes in decorating. Then he mentioned a deer head in the closet and I said well there’s a screw above the fireplace why don’t you have it hanging there? It’s because she never wanted dead animals hanging on the wall. Really? It’s your house and it’s been FIVE years….I think you should give yourself permission to hang the deer head.
Alas Kelly I am not Abel….Having said that, I understand what you are saying. As I mentioned in my Almost DailyBrett post, “The Trouble with Widowers,” the answer lies with intercourse…in this case, verbal intercourse. The two of you need to talk about the future…your future together or if necessary, apart. He needs pictures of you, not a dead animal on the wall, unless both of you want a dead animal on the wall. The answer IMHO lies with communication and time. Good luck, Kevin
My goodness, this decribes me to a “T”. I am the going on 5 year girlfriend of a widower, I moved into his house last October, the same house they bought together. I can’t tell you the last time her sent me roses or a card, I have cared for and watched over this man thru sickness and sugeries and can’t tell you the last ime he sent me roses or a card but I open a drawer and find the cards and notes from what he used to send her on a constant basis. It breaks my heart to not feel that loved by him. The house is full of her pictures, nicknacks, cards, letters, books, a small section of her clothes including her wedding dress in the closet. I love this man with all of my heart but don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life feeling like the “stand in”.
Thank you so much for your wise words .
I’m in this situation know with a man I love very much. I fully expect home to mention his late wife and memories on occasion. The problem is that while he says he committed to me, he speaks about his late wife several times a day whether we are alone or out with friends. This is not knee jerk behavior.
Yes, I’ve walked in your shoes, Kevin. I’m a remarried widower. Lost my late wife over a decade ago and married again soon after. Marathon Girl and I just celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary two months ago.
You need to put my words advice about the shrine in the correct context: There’s nothing wrong with a shrine unless you’re in a serious/committed relationship with another woman. At that point a widower needs to decide if he can give the new woman the number one spot in his heart and his life.
Most women are accepting of a widower’s past and understand that she will always occupy a special place in a widower’s heart. No one expects widower to forget that part of his life and never talk about the late wife or mention her again. But when a woman falls in love with the widower she wants to feel like she’s the center of his universe instead of someone who’s competing with a ghost.
Verbal intercourse is great but ultimately a relationship is defined by the actions of those in the relationship—not what they tell each other. It’s easy to say “I love you.” It’s hard to show someone that you really care. Words without action that back them up are meaningless.
In the emails I receive from GOWs, problems arise when the widower tells the woman he loves her and is committed to her but the woman looks around and sees the late wife’s photographs everywhere, her clothes in the closet, or her toiletries in the bathroom and nothing that celebrates or commemorates the new relationship.
Ultimately it’s up to the two individuals to decide how much, if anything, from the past should be part of their relationship. If someone can live with a shrine to the late wife in their home, that’s fine. But most people aren’t into threesomes. Marriage is making two hearts one. Those who introduce others or feelings for others into the a relationship, are simply asking for trouble.
Thank you for your comment, Abel. And I appreciate that we have a kinship as both of us our widowers. Congrats on your nuptials with Marathon Girl. Not sure if one must be compelled to “dismantle” a digital or tactile shrine in order to prove that one has moved on. The real question is one of accommodation. If the dismantling of a shrine potentially leads to a productive relationship then the widower shoulds seriously consider taking that step. However, should the new girlfriend demand that a shrine be stored away? Julie Donner Andersen concluded this demand is “inhuman” and “selfish.” Hard to argue with that point. All the best, Kevin.
I just looked up “widow” and “widower” in the dictionary. I didn’t realize that men & women had different labels for becoming “unmarried.” Frankly, I despise the “w” words. They are very negative words, but that’s for another blog….
Your discussion is one I hadn’t thought about, but then I’m not dating again…yet. How about that? I’ve added “yet” to my sentence. That’s progress! Even though I haven’t walked in your shoes from a dating perspective, we do share the common experience of losing a spouse. In my case, suddenly and unexpectedly.
I must commend Abel on his thoughtful and heartfelt response.
I’ve seen your shrine to Robin, and it’s wonderful that you created it for yourself. That’s the point, though. Other people’s opinions, experts or not, provide food for thought, but what really matters is what you & your potential mate decide works for the two of you.
If a man I began dating showed me a shrine like the one you have, I would probably run in the opposite direction. If he showed it to me after we’d been dating awhile, it would give me cause for pause. If our relationship got “serious,” we’d have to have a specific conversation about the shrine because it WOULD matter to me per Abel’s comments. Does that mean I’m insecure? Perhaps.
I would be happy that he had a wonderful marriage to such a goddess, and I would want to know in my heart that he was really ready to be another relationship. I would listen closely to what he said, looking for clues as to his readiness. Based on what I heard, I would make a decision whether the relationship would work for me. If the clues indicated to me that he wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t bother discussing it, I’d lovingly wish him well and we could be friends……or not, depending upon how he felt. I’m not saying he should forget her. I will never forget my husband, either.
Our wedding pictures and other pictures of Bob are out where I see them everyday. In fact, his ashes are in my bedroom! At some point, I hope I’m going to have to figure out how the dating scene works, too, and your thoughts will make me think about it more when the time comes. Thanks for your illuminating post!
I’ll be visiting family in Eugene in July. If you are still living in Eugene then, perhaps we can go out for black & white mocha or one of those sustainable cups of coffee at Hideaway. Take care.
Hi Diana. Thank you so much from your commentary as it is particularly relevant coming from a relatively recent widow. Your comment about Bob’s ashes in the bedroom (a different kind of shrine) is directly akin to an actual shrine of photos and mementos. In fact, I would argue that keeping ashes in the bedroom invoke stronger emotions than a shrine in a closet or a non-public room. In the end, it comes down to conversation and accommodation. Is a would-be partner willing to work with the widow or widower? If not, then that already speaks volumes about a failed relationship. My point is that it is not easy being a widow or widower, and even tougher when you start dating. Best wishes to you as you remove the word, “yet” and replace it with the word, “now.” Let me know when you return to the land of fruit and honey. Kevin.
I never thought of Bob’s ashes as a shrine, but I can see your point. I also agree, it would undoubtedly invoke stronger emotions. I’m enjoying your posts/thoughts both here & on FB. Glad things are going well for you. You deserve good things!
Thank you, abelkeogh, exactly! I am sure her pics don’t have to be everywhere for him to think of her. I also feel WOWs who want to bar all mementos LW from their environment are just fooling themselves if they think she never crosses his mind. What kind of man would he be if that were the case? I know and am glad my husband has those memories. But I am not married to a widower. I am married to my husband, who was widowed four years ago. My turn!
Appreciate the comment Thea, and the time you took to read my blog and even read in-between the lines. Personally, I only have one prominently displayed photo of my late wife; she is next to our daughter. A very special woman, Jeanne, has come into my life. She recognizes and accepts there was someone before her. Keep in mind that I wrote this blog before I met Jeanne. I stand behind every word, especially those about the need for verbal intercourse in the face of adversity.
I am widowed and so is the man I will soon marry. Shrines are fine if you want them; just don’t involve other hearts because you are not ready to move on if you want to love 2 people at the same time. You can be jilted unwantedly by a spouse and still love them but no person of the opposite sex will be willing to include them in your future relationship together. I have not forgotten my late husband nor will I ever but I put all photos & reminders of him away when I wanted a committed relationship. My current love had to be nudged hard to do the same. I don’t want him to forget his late wife, just to move forward and respect what I need and want without her staring at me off walls, tables, etc and telling me what she would have to say about things that now don’t involve her. A love relationship is 2 and only 2 people and 2 hearts. Their environment has to live, breathe and reflect just that. That being said, children complicate things and they do need reminders of their late parent but in their private spaces in order to respect their parent’s new relationship. More talk is required with children and it takes a willing, special person to do that. Living in the present time is healthy no matter the circumstance and doing that requires adjustment to the current environment. You can’t have the past and present colliding daily and expect a good outcome. That may not seem fair to some but life isn’t fair.
Excellent response
Thank you for your comment, Nancy. Your turn of phrase, “nudged hard” brought a smile to my face. For some reason, it is hard to imagine a hard nudge…How about a hard push? I believe you can still love your deceased spouse (and you should), and at the same time love the living, breathing wonderful person you are with now. Does that mean that all artifacts of the past should be buried? No. Should they be everywhere? No. The question is how much is appropriate. If both of you are widowed, obviously not by choice, then you should appreciate each other’s respective pasts and accept them, and be ready for new adventures and fun times with your new partner. Best wishes to the two of you.
Kevin,
Clearly you aren’t ready to move on if this is your frame of mind. Would you want to marry someone who had a shrine memorializing her ex husband whom she still loves? I doubt that you would.
Well said Cricket
Interesting thoughts Mizz Cricket. One vision that comes immediately to mind is the enormous framed, flood-lit portrait of my grandma Peggy (my mom’s mom) that was the centerpiece of our dining room. Was this a “shrine?”
Is the photo in my home office of my deceased wife and our daughter a “shrine?” Are the pieces of original art from her family, including water colors and mosaics from my late wife, do they constitute a “shrine?”
Isn’t the real question whether someone is able to love two people at the same time? Can a mother love each and everyone of her children, albeit differently? Can the widower that caught your eye love you and still love the memory of his dearly departed. I would like to think so.
Kevin,
Your clueless
Really?
Oh poor you… We couldn’t possibly comprehend what you’ve been through.
God help the next women who enters into a relationship with you!
From the bottom of my SEO heart, please allow me to extend my love to Cricket and all of her fellow commenters. Keep your thoughts coming my way. Best to you all, Kevin
How long have you been together?
Negative comments? I think it’s rather a matter if opinion!
If you relationship is working that’s good, I doubt that though by how you’ve jumped to his defence.
I lost my husband, moving ons a choose. Kevin is not ready to be with you, to behave like he does is disrespectful to you. And clearly you are desperate enough to settle for such behaviour.
You don’t need anything to remember someone. The mans an attention seeker!
I am entirely new here, and was initially thrilled to see something – anything really – targeted towards widowERS. As a matter of fact, I did a simple Google search on the word “widowers” and was immensely surprised to see so many results that had to do with advice for women in relationships with or considering dating widowers. An yes, I do realize that’s largely attributable to guys just not being open to discourse of a personal nature as much as most/many gals tend to be.
I’m a recent widower, coming up on two months since my wife’s death, which will coincide with what would have been our fifteenth wedding anniversary. We were together nearly 23 years between dating and marriage. I’m pleased to see fairly productive exchange of thought in the comments following the blog, and find it enlightening overall. I am, however, very annoyed at the last comment by “Sam,” and find it terribly judgmental. No-one has the right to tell another person to run from a relationship because he/she thinks the other person involved is “not ready” and being “disrespectful.” Further, it’s downright rude to call someone who is in a relationship with such a person “desperate.” This is NOT a “one size fits all” sort of world, and different people have different demeanors, expectations, levels of compassion, levels of jealousy, approaches to relationships, etc. Bitterness and vindictiveness towards someone else because they’re not doing things the way YOU think is right is right up there with those who think everyone else who doesn’t believe in their version of God is damned.
I personally haven’t reached the stage where I’m looking to date again or bring a woman into my home. And I envision that I personally would probably put away the “wife things” before I brought a woman in. But that’s MY choice, and not necessarily the thing that’s best for everyone.
And finally, a brief English lesson for “D,” who appears to delight in instigation– “your” is a possessive word that means “owned by you.” “You’re,” on the other hand, is the proper way of stating “you are.” So, D, YOU’RE the clueless one, not Kevin!
A typo using an iPhone does not constitue being ‘clueless’
Such pettiness is hilarious!
When you are in a position to enter into another relationship and you too are presented with the challenges GOW face, then and only then will you be able to comment on the difficulties ‘you’re’ partner is faced with.
Sam, well said.
Hi Pat: Even though this blog was originally composed on income-tax day more than one year ago, as opposed to the IRS, it just keeps on giving. I feel your pain, particularly after only two months. You need to take the time necessary to recover, but not forget your loss. You will be ready to date again. The question is when. As the blog stated, sensitivity is a two-way street. You need to be mindful of the challenges a contending female faces in dating a widower. She needs to understand that someone very special was in your life. It really boils down to successful, understanding verbal intercourse. There is someone out there for you…She will not be bitter. She will be better than that. Good luck.
In the world where so much pain has been felt, I thought there would be a little more compassionate for each others experiences without judgement. Each experience, like the individuals involved, are unique. In the world of divorces, no two are alike just like the painful world of Widow and Widowers, each is as different as the other. There are commonalities but with unique twist and turns. There is no right or wrong way, as long as there is a way forward.
As a GOW (about 6 months now), what is right for me and W, is not right for the next person. There are pictures around the house of LW, mainly her with the kids, but some of the family. It’s not an issue for me. We have talked extensively about these issues which is key.
Our relationship is growing slowly as he progresses through his grief (he is 3 yrs out). I continue to see him make progress. Some may say I shouldn’t be in a relationship with him because he is not “completely” ready. He is still figuring somethings out. But I have chosen to be on the journey with him, he is worth it. I go with the flow, I’m not on a time table. I have a full rich life just as I did before I met him. Sure, it is challenging at times as difficult dates come and go. I don’t take the fact he loved and still loves his LW personally. It has nothing to do with me. There is no counting meaning to it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or care for me.
Yes, he comes with “baggage” (unfamiliar baggage) but guess what, I have baggage too. Everyone does. Just like everything in life, nothing is perfect. A widow/widower also knows fragility of life and what is really important. There aren’t ex-spouse issues, tug of war with kids etc. like the issues with divorce. Its all just different and not as familiar. All we can do is share our experiences in an attempt to help others.
Hi Michelle: You make the point that he is worth it. Based upon how well you are handling your GOW status, I suspect that he has come to the conclusion that you are worth it as well. My girlfriend, Jeanne, is a saint in how understanding she is of me and my plight. For a widower, it all comes down to finding the right woman, someone who is compassionate and a good listener. Best wishes to you and your relationship. Something tells me it is ultimately going to be successful.
6 months in is not long enough for the impact and insecurities to kick in Michelle.
Kevin, some advice your girlfriend is not your councillor, becareful of expecting too much of her.
No self respecting women should be treated like 2nd best or have to put up with pictures/shrines etc.
Some comments surprise me, ie suggesting these women are ‘bitter’ that in itself suggests someone’s defending you Kevin. Time will tell how and if that can cope with your expectations.
I lost my wife and 19 year old son. I do not need to play the poor me card. You do seem Kevin, in my opinion to be playing yours.
Life goes on.
I have a beautiful girlfriend and I would never expect her to listen to my woes or stories. Just as she wouldn’t expect me to listen to her past relationships. We’ve loved and lost, but now we are very much in love. I am not a victim, I’m a kind considerate man who loves the women I’m with now. It really is that simple.
Your girlfriend might be understanding but I doubt she’s as happy as she makes out living like 2nd best.
This is exactly what I felt while being in relationship with my ex widower. I was understanding but very unhappy. One day my mum grabbed me and forced me to look in the mirror and then I noticed this sad, unloved women living someone else’s life. I wasn’t a hero supporting a grieving man anymore … I was a pathetic woman being used by selfish man for his own selfish needs. Then I left him. I still feel sad for letting myself down and letting him use me but it slowly gets better.
Gus, to have lost a wife and son is incredibly tough and I commend you on the place that you arrived in your grief. I have known my W for more than 18 months but would only consider myself a GOW for 6 months. I’m very familiar with not only the insecurities but the guilt, multiple levels of fear and “freaking out” as he calls it. Like I said, he has made progress and continues to make progress. The first year we were friends, we hung out on occasion and I provided a positive female role model for his young daughter. We shared woes and continue to do so. We both cared for a loved one with cancer which is no small undertaking. We both have stood at our loved ones beside with a syringe full of morphine wondering what is the right thing to do as they request to be OD’d to end the suffering.
What works for me doesn’t work for everyone, but he has young children that need to remember their mother so pictures aren’t an issue. She will always be their mother, again that is nothing personal against me, its a fact, and thats all. I have a wonderful relationship with them and love them dearly.
I have a memory box filled with love letters from old boyfriends and my ex-husband. It has cards and memento’s from friends and family, it also has not so nice letters and just souvenirs from my life. But it is all the things that make up who I am today. I would not want him to tell me to get rid of it because it has letters from other men.
I am in no hurry to remarry or anything else so the slow pace suites me fine. For others, that may not work because they want more, sooner. I am not ready for that. These are the decisions of each GOW.
I know he could freak out but I have seen this and I know this, I go into it with my eyes wide open. If I don’t like it or I don’t feel like he is making progress, I will move on.
Reflecting how much my life has changed in a year and I am really blown away. This time last year I had ended a 3-yr relationship that was going nowhere with a Widower… I was single for a few months and just starting to dip my foot back into the dating pool (just started chatting with my now DH a year ago). I was getting ready to go on a familiy vacation with my sister’s family and my parents -which unbeknownst to us would be the last true family vacation as my father would pass but a short month after that 4th of July trip in 2012.. And the biggest change is after 15 years as a single Mom I not only met the man of my dreams – the man God had intended for me – but in under a year we met, dated, and married and now I have a wonderful husband. It’s amazing to me for so many years my life seemed to more or less stand still. It was years of working and raising kids alone … there a lot of hardship and a lot of joy but a lot of sameness to the point where I figured that was all there … that was all she wrote. I was destined to be a single Mom and had more or less accepted that. I guess God had other plans when I actually listened to him… and actually ended a relationship that was not only not going anywhere but was blessed by God nor was it serving to fulfill either of our purposes and/or help us grow in faith. I stubbornly stayed in that relationship with the W for a long time whether out of complacency or out of fear of being alone – not really sure… or maybe it was wishful thinking that something would change. Until I met J and saw the difference in the our relationship to that of my previous one.with the W.. that is when I realized how much I had been short-changing myself… and also my boys, and God. I now have a marriage, while I am sure not perfect… is centered on God. We stumble and fall occasionally even early on as we are… given it’s a second marriage with the messiness of stepkids and past histories and financial burdens and such. Still despite this there are some real unresolved hurts there still for me regarding the 3 yrs I dated a W… it’s healing now and I realize one should never settle for less and simply would like to pass on some lessons learned to GOW/WOW but also to those are Widowed and might be seeking to start new relationships.
Dating the W, I listened to so many excuses… how I should be more compassionate, not be threatened by a ghost, be willing to at times of grief take second-class status…. and society pretty much gives the W free pass to do a lot of things they would never ever get away with in other relationships in the name of grief. In retrospect, I bent over backwards and way beyond what I should simply because i was a kind and compassionate person and I did feel guilty and sympathetic for his loss. I felt I didn’t have the right to demand the same treatment I did if I were in a relationship wiht a non-W. Somehow, when someone loses a spouse to death rather than divorce there are all these built in taboos and people are supposed to tip-toe around the W and his Loss and the new woman is suppose to be akin to what I believe is being martyr. Having never date a W I had no experience and often got told it was me who needed to be more compassionate, understanding and my W was all to willing to enjoy that stance. and keep up a poor-me-I am a Widower attitude.
Recently my husband I were discussing some of these issues (because he is my Best friend and we talk about a whole host of things including his past marriage, mine, and even about the W- we don’t do this daily but we are able tohave these discussions without it being a threat to our marriage) My husband finally said something when I kept sort of falling back into the old habit of excusing certain behaviors because of W terrible loss… My husband wisely said “You know, he CHOSE to be a new relationship. He didn’t have to. He made a CHOICE. He chose to get involved with you and be in a committed long-term relationshp. If he wasn’t over the loss of his wife. and couldn’t let go of all the photographs, the memorials, the shrines, etc and he didn’t want to let that go – he could have stayed true to her. and just stayed alone or casually daitng. But he was selfish and unfair to you because he wanted to stay true to her and at the same time he wanted to have you too in serious committed relationship!” When he heard about all the ways W’s family and LW’s family kept the W and his adult daughters emeshed in grieving he said “it’s a sort of a sickness. They don’t want him to heal, because they can keep him all to themselves… they don’t have to share… if they can kept the grief alive and he and the daughters don’t move on completely. They can all still hold front and center… they don’t have to share” W… I threatened them.. because if he healed and moved on … really moved on .. they lost their hold and they couldn’t have him all to themselves. He said there was a sort of sickness in that family. To this i agree and I realize this situation was inherent in my W’s family and not indicative of ALL Ws but it’s a commen enough scenario as I have read of countless other GOW who were mistreated horribly by the family of the Ws and/or the family of the Lw.
Since I lost my father this past years I have had a new found understanding of loss and grief and what my former W must have gone through. I cannot imagine having finally found my new DH and then losing him and honestly I am not sure how I would handle it. However, I have watched my Mother after a nearly 50 year marriage this past year since losing my Dad. She has not mentioned any interest in dating which doesn’t surprise me given the length of the marriage and suddeness of the death and the fact she is in her 70s. However, I have thought long and hard if she did start spending time with a genlteman how would I react ? Having been on both sides as GOW in the past and grieving daughter now happily married to a non-W. I still hold true… that while it would feel “weird” and “uncomfortable” the bottom line is if it made her happy and eased her loneliness to spend time with a gentleman I would adapt. It doesnt lessen her marriage to my father … or our memories for her to move forward and try to carve out a little bit of happiness for what is left in her time here on Earth. But by the same token, should the relationship get serious… and even though this is my father I am speaking of… I believe it would be only right Not to expect the new man to live in a constant shadow of my father. Or course, there would be times where we would talk of times gone by … but I think we would try to be conscious to consider his feelings and not make him feel the outsider by bringing my dad up at every opportunity. I also would have no problem if my Mother chose to taken down a large couples portraits of her and my Dad off the wall if she remarried. I certainly wouldn’t expect any man to live in house surrounded by photos of another man… even if it was my father. That just seems rather cruel. If they were both ok with a few smaller photos including my Dad that it is up to them. But having large coupley potraits of my mother and my father when she is remarried to another man or he keeping ongoing shrines (virual or actual) WHILE seriously dating or remarrying is just plain wrong and disrespectful. In fact, it was at my mother’s insistence I take down my father’s Facebook page. I sort of miss it as I liked to go there and post things,but I respect her wishes and honestly it’s probably healthier for all involved that it is down.
I love and miss my dad with all my heart, but my mother finding love again doesn’t replace that nor do I expect her and her new potential mate to live their lives in reference to that. Living her life in memoradum is unnecessary. Now if she also choose NOT to remarry or date I support that as well. It is HER life and her happiness. what i WOULD NOT support is her being remarried or seriously dating and constantly rubbing the new man’s face in her previoius marriage and constant yearning, longing and memorializing my father all the while sort of using the new man as her emotional support. That is the epitomy of selfishness. A relationship is about 2 people… yes we all comes with pasts and people we loved,
As far a W photos, this up to each individual. DH said it was ridiculous to expect a new woman to be surrounded by photos of the deceased on all the walls while W was serious with her. I laughed and said well I know you love me J, but if I go before you and you make the decision to get serious with someone I don’t expect you to keep my photos up all over the place. I know you love me and always will. I know that you would prefer I didn’t pass but we both have had a enough happen to us in life to know there are certain things you cannot control. One is death… I would expect you to try to make your life happy. If you chose not date again… that is up to you… but if you chose to date again it takes nothing away from what we had… it’s just simply you have chosen to not spend the remainder of your days alone and lonely… and that is understandable. And if you are with another woman I expect you to heal and move on. I know you will remember me and love me.. but i would be long gone and I wouldn’t want your memoralizing me to interfere in your new life because in my belief system I would be happily wiht my Lord and Savior and looking down upon my husband spending the rest of his days in either sadness or memoriazling me would not please me. Sure it would be nice to be remembered. Dont we all want to be remembered by those who love us, but it’s a selfish love that expects a surviving spouse to never love again or spend their days memorializing and not giving their heart fully to another person. If I am dead I cannot love him actively anymore. Our vows have been fulfilled and he is free to have a new spouse. It’s simply the way of the world. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.. none of live forever and those who are living much live on. Yes, remember, but not live their lives there.
. Hopefully we won’t face such a scenario on either end for many, many years… my DH and I… I pray we have many happy years together but I also know one day one of us will be Widowed.
DAW did certainly teach me a whole lot about life, about realizing nothing here in this life Earth is permanent and the ability to heal, love again, and adapt is something that should be celebrated rather than frowned upon. Allowing a W to move forward as well as the W allowing himself to move forward with a new life is a celebration of life and even the marriage he once had… it’s healthy and it’s right and its still so sad to me when I think of all those Ws who are stuck or hurting their new spouses or GOWs in the name of self-righteous grief.
For myself I am so glad i am NOT DAW… that I broke it off and found the man of my dreams and marriage that is about US… not the past… I couldn’t be happier. Also I realize not all Ws act the way the one i Dated did, I want to be clear. But more as a cautionary tale and food for thought for those W’s considering dating and those DAW who really aren’t ready … don’t settle for second best. You can be a kind compassionate woman and respect man’s loss with sacrificing what YOU want in a relationship. You don’t have to settle because their are men out there who will not make you settle for second-class status… you can a relationship where people have had pasts and past loves but don’t treat you like a consolation prize. Don’t settle for that because someone’s spouse died rather than divorced. Just because they suffered an unfortunate loss to death doesn’t mean they have the right to trample upon the subsequent woman’s heart and feelings. Have respect for yourself and the type of relationship you want. If are ok with shrine and photos to the dead wife all around… hey I don’t get you…. and I get the freeling from the blogger’s SO that she somehow thinks she is superior to the rest of the GOW for being oh so understanding. So indeed she is a special woman but the vast majority of women out there are not such martyrs. They are real living feeling people who want their own happines and fulfillment in a relationship as well as being kind, compassionate and understanding to their partner. But when it come down to it a GOW is not a martyr, she is not your therapist and she is not your pastor or grief counselor or healer. she is a REAL woman just like your late wife was who wants a real partner, a friend, and a relationship. If you can’t give that then it’s not really fair to give any less but yet accept the benefits from the relationship.
Dear RiverClark. Thank you so much for your very thoughtful note, and best wishes to you and your husband for a long and happy married life. You provided the author of Almost DailyBrett and the readers of The Trouble with Widowers post a ton of thoughts and experiences to contemplate. From these, I would like to concentrate on two in particular: The first is the notion of “second best.” Just because someone is chronologically second (the deceased obviously being first) does not equate in a new partner being “second best” as opposed to just being second.
The more important point is you found the right man…not the widower…but your present husband. That’s what it is all about. If the widower is the right man and you know that in your heart…well the next steps are obvious.
In my case I have found the right woman, even though I am a widower with a past and memories. I am confident about my future and optimistic. The word “martyr” is not in my personal dictionary. Jeanne may be second in chronological order, but she is not second in my heart. BTW, I will never settle. I am glad to hear that you did not settle either.
I don’t understand, why then would you subject this poor women to the photographs, the Shrine etc?
Why would you blog in such a way? The power of the written word can have a massive impact. Your first entry is heavy with anger and that of a martyr, you do seem to contradict yourself. I note you, and your present girlfriend only respond to the comments you like.
As already suggested, I doubt that your girlfriend is as secure as you maintain,
Since I wrote that rather long post. I do apologize for the length! I do feel despite my happy marriage I was still in the healing process of that 3-year relationship with W. See even non-W’s sometimes can hang on to things and it’s not always a memory is it? The relationship with my W was not giving me what I need. He was not the right person for me. Maybe for someone else. He had a lot of hang ups. I still contend that but many of them had nothing to do with his loss. He had trouble with change in general in other areas of his life. He left his family members dictate his life in many ways and our relationship was not so much about 2 hearts… us making a future together… and that is why ultimately I believe I felt second best. I felt second best to a memory of the last wife, but he also clung to a lot of things that he said he “had always done” and would not consider trying somethings in a new way. He just had trouble moving forward in general as I said. I believe he did have some issues to work through, but so did I. However, now that I have found the right person at the right timing, we are building the life I used to hope for with the W. Our marriage is of 2 hearts and I feel I have let go of the past (past marriages and the past relationship with W). it was a learning experience and for me it was not meant to be permanent. In time we all heal and when we find the person right for us we can certainly accommodate past relationships and work through thigns. Everyone is different. For me, DAW simply did not work out well. Wrong W, wrong relationship, wrong timing. I said it was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I fault myself for clinging to relatinship for several years that simply was not meeting my needs. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see clearly now. People told me then to leave that relationship but I didn’t want to at that or was not ready. My bad experience is not relfective of all Ws indeed I am sure there are many Ws who are ready and would make wonderful partners. However, there are a set of unique challenges and issues DAW younger W that many women are simply not prepared for and they have a tendency to enter these relationships rather naively – thinking how much different can it be from dating a divorced man. Well it’s apples to oranges. There is no competition. I had the attitude that dating W is somehow better or worse than a divorcee. There is no BETTER or WORSE. It depends on the people involved and their preferences. There are pros and cons to both widowed and divorced people. I am not married to a divorced man and for me it has been easier but possibly not true for someone else.
I think a lot of angryn(hurt? jealous?) posts from GOW honestly just come d feeling unloved or not validated in some way and yes some of it is insecurity – but depending on the relationship these feeling may be legitmate. There are Ws who are truly not ready and use a woman for compasionship and physical love without giving themselves fully. . I simply say to these ladies if you feel that way – then move on – don’t lash out – not a W’s are the same. If YOUR relationship is not working out – then leave it – as I did. If you relationship works for you then stay and don’t worry what other think or say. Everyone is different. There are no set standard of rules. If photos and shrines or your W is making you unloved and second best – then do what you feel is best for yourself whether that be walking away or sticking it out for awhile or bringing it to discussion with your partner.
Many well meaning GOWs try so hard to be accommdating and sympathetic to grief and loss that they become martyrs of sort and give W a special preference they would not give other men in dating relationships. There is nothing wrong at all with being accommodating and giving a person time, but the relationship is no tmutually satisfying – as in any other relationship – then move on. This shouldn’t be inclusive of Ws but in any relationship. Only you can decide what is right for you. If pics, shrines, and other things your W has doing on do not bother you then that is fine as well. It’s up to the couple to decide. Now, happiy married I would think if I ever became Widowed I would likely put the former marriage things away I was seriously involved with another but that is me. We are all different.
No need to apologize for your lengthy missives, RiverClark, about the issues associated with life and love with a widower. I am pleased to hear that you are happily married, and found the right person.
Isn’t that the ultimate answer?
It really doesn’t matter if the person is a W, a D, a NM or a CS as long as it is the right person for you. And part of ensuring that your Mr. Right is indeed the right person is verbal intercourse…yes, daily communication. Never go to bed mad. Talk it out. If there are two wills, then there has to be way together to reach an accord.
Heaven forbid if you ever become a widow (I hope not), but if you did…please find another right person, someone who understands there was a spouse before. You should not be forced to put each and every momento away. At the same time, you shouldn’t have tidbits from your to-death-do-you-part marriage all over the place or only talk about the dearly deceased.
The key is understanding and communication. I believe that was the point I was making when I originally wrote “The Trouble with Widowers.” I also reinforced this contention in my most recent, “Why Widowers Make the Best Lovers.”
All the best to you and your other half for a wonderful holiday season!
Reading these from some time ago is odd. I think we all heal differently and in different ways. The relationship I had with a Widower was hurtful in many ways, but this was but one man – not every widower. Ultimately, for me this relationship did not work out. However, I have friends who were dating widowers and the relationships did work out. It’s very individual. I have been blessed to find my perfect fit. He happens to be a divorcee also. We do have common ground in that we both had a similar experience but we rarely discuss our ex spouses. Well we do mine on occasions because he is very much in the picture and living in an area around our home and I have 2 sons with him. So it is sort of hard to cut him out of the equation. I think it’s a challenge of it’s own that my husband has to not only deal with a memory of my past marriage but actually has to interact with the flesh and blood man himself. So divorce situation also have their unique challenges. My husband is a class act and in fact surprisingly so is my ex, in this regard. They get along fine and talk it’s never awkward. This being said ex and I have been divorced a very long time- over 16 years so much of the fresh anger that is so associated with nearly divorced couples is long gone. The bottom line is life does go on for all of us – divorced or widowed. The widower I dated years ago I hear is engaged and I am happy for him. Life is too short. We heal, we move on and we love.
My wife died 22 years ago in a car accident 8 months after we were married. I had just turned 32, she was 28. It was a perfect storm of a tragedy, as we were preparing for another big marriage ceremony in her native country. She died 4 days before we were to depart for this and we ended having a funeral instead of a (reaffiming) marriage in the same church almost on the same day.
I was black with grief for 4 years, I nearly died as well, and eventually moved to another city, another job, another personhood to save myself. About 5 years after her death, I met another woman who wanted to hear little of my former wife, my former life. The sum total of our conversations over the years on the topic haven’t added up to more than a couple of hours at the most.
That was good for me, no shrines and so forth, I don’t think my wife even knows dates of death, birthdays, anniversaries, and I can fairly state that she saved my life, or at least a life for me. We now have a nine year old son. He doesn’t even know that I was previously married, although I expect he will some day.
Recently, as in the past weeks, I revisited my previous wife’s family in their native country. We had always kept in touch on a low level over the years, a Christmas card, a letter once a year, and I had only visited once a year after her death, well before meeting my current wife. For me, it was a liberating experience, revisiting her grave and facing up to guilt about her death (which is completely unwarranted by logic but the heart thinks otherwise).
My wife is very upset by this, and I understand that, we discussed her death and the aftermath only a few times very early on in our courtship and it has never had a place in our relationship. I’m respectful of this, a spouse deserves to be number one. And judging from what I read of other widowers, she has gotten off very lightly, again, no shrines, memories, pictures, toiletries. Probably, it went to the other extreme, a sanitization of my life of any hint of my previous wife.
That’s ok, I’m the man, I’m supposed to be the strong one, at least in my (and my wife’s) worldview. And I’m not exactly sure why I am writing, although maybe to mention that ultimately, the best thing we widowers can do is suck it up, it is our job. That is why society looks upon us so kindly, it is the payback for the expectation that we are to be strong and stoic. In my case, after 15 years of marriage, I allowed myself one week of looking back with my previous wife and her family. In my case, it was not particularly well-received by my current wife, but I’m ok with that and we, as a family will survive.
It is hard, very hard, being a widower, in my life it has been the greatest challenge. As with anything, all one can really wish for is to be able to look back and say that one did their best for both their departed wife and then those that came into one’s life in the aftermath.
To all who have posted including ‘Kevin’ of this blog thank you from my heart for your rich wisdom & for having the courage to share about such an intimate, painful journey. I am almost a year married to a widower & we’ve been together 3 years – he is 64 & I am 55. It has been an unbelievable ride…many highs….many lows. For 2 years I was kept a secret from his adult children, his late wife’s family & his family. We spent most of our times together in the home he shared with LW – I was surrounded by everything that was them – her sweater was still on the chair where it was left the night she died. Those 2 years were bar none the most incredibly difficult two years of my life. But what I learned about myself…about life were invaluable. I learned compassion, understanding, patience, perserverance in a way that nothing had ever taught me before (and my life has been a very difficult one for many many years). I learned about real love….it is incredible, it is painful, it is beautiful, it can cut like a knife & it rarely turns out the way you think it will. I can’t begin to share everything but what I would like to say is each relationship no matter what the circumstances is so incredibly unique. What works for one couple would kill the relationship of another. There were so many red flags when my DH & I were together the first 2 years that should have caused me to run … I didn’t and here we are married….but it hasn’t been easy nor was it easy.
Dating & marrying a widower is not for everyone nor is it for the faint of heart. It takes strength, grace, understanding, sacrifice, patience & for me a ton of prayer…but really…isn’t that true for every relationship? Right now I am dealing with the LW’s wedding ring on my husbands pinky finger …next to the wedding ring I gave him on our wedding day. He put her wedding ring back on the day after our wedding & he refuses to take it off. This has caused me great hurt but I have faith that he will eventually see his promises are now to me, to the covenant of our marriage. To all of you who have posted thus far…you are brave wonderful folks. Thank you for sharing & allowing me a place to share a tiny bit of my story.
Hi Maggie. Thank you so much for expressing your deep-held feelings about dating and marrying a widower. Never thought, I would hear that widowers are not for the “faint of heart.”
Having said that, I am very sympathetic to your justified concerns about your relatively new spouse wearing his late wife’s wedding ring. I give him credit for fidelity (and that surely is an important virtue),but that is where my praise ceases and desists.
The wearing of this ring obviously hurts you. He knows this is true. So why doesn’t he change?
As I mentioned in “The Trouble with Widowers” verbal intercourse is the key to a successful union. He needs to clearly understand the gravity of his actions.
You are not asking him to forget his deceased spouse. You are asking him to be more sensitive. He should abide by your wishes, if you want my humble input.
By the way, my input and $3.70 will get you a grande mocha with no whip at Starbucks.
All the best, Kevin
Hi Kevin lol I LOVE Grand Mocha….but it has to have whip cream lol. I appreciate your reply to my post very much – thank you from my heart. I have encouraged my DH every step of our journey to do whatever he needs to do to cherish, to treasure his LW’s memory…..they had 40 years together and that should be cherished. I plan on making a memorial garden for her in the spring. We talk openly about their life together and I am honoured that he feels comfortable to do this.
I have calmly talked to him twice about her ring and what it says to my heart but he refuses to take it off so now I must leave it alone. If I continue to bring this up and he takes it off I will never know if it’s because he truly understands and values me and our marriage covenant or if he took it off out of frustration with me. It’s a terrible position for me to be in. Sadly I know in my heart of hearts if he keeps it on it will do harm to us. Again many thanks for a place to come, share and receive support and understanding.
I have been dating a wonderful W for 1-1/2 years. He says he loves me and I love him, but, he too has the photos of his wife and her needlework all over their house. Everything is the same except he removed her clothing from their bedroom. He has a 4 BR home but sleeps in their marriage bed. This did not bother me for most of our relationship, but, now I am concerned that he is still living the life they lived when she was alive.
What am I? Just some older woman who enjoys the companionship of this older man but is getting wary of being “that other woman.”
We are both mature adults in our 70’s and 80’s. I am divorced so I get to feeling that I could never compare to his beloved, perfect wife.
At the same time, I enjoy his company tremendously. He has opened up a new world of happinss for me.
Don’t know why I am even putting tis “out there.” My lady friends who are single all think he is a wonderful person (he is) and I am fortunate to have him in my lie.
Dear Nana: Heard the greatest motto the other day: “If you are happy, stay happy.” As a widower, I know that males are not as perceptive as we should be about changing things. I am happy to hear that your widower did remove the clothing of the deceased spouse from the bedroom…that is an important start. Please don’t think of yourself as “second place.” You are second chronologically, and you can’t change that, but that doesn’t make you “second.”
Keep in mind the previous spouse is deceased. She is not coming back. There is no reason to compete against her. Be yourself. Be happy. Wear a smile on your face.
Most importantly, talk to your widower. If something makes you really uncomfortable, ask him if will make a change. Otherwise, live with the needlework and maybe add your own flourishes and touches. Most of all, make the best of your happy relationship. All the best, Kevin
I am a widow of almost four years. I just tonight thought of looking up help on this subject. I have been dating a W for two years and his LW passed six months before my LH. He proposed eight months ago, but I have two young girls and he wanted time to get used to them before we get married. His one is out of the house while the other is an older teen at home still. He has never removed pics at all of any sort, but has given away all but her wedding dress. I asked about six months ago how were our pics going to fit in with hers all over the place, every wall. He said we will deal with that later, but I said it wouldn’t be right to have them all together. I hadn’t brought it up again, but we are getting married in two months and I am nervous bringing it up again. I thought about telling him to ask our Pastor and other people like his sister or best friend what they think of the pics when he is getting remarried. I hope hearing it from others will encourage him to move some to his sons room and give some to his daughter so there is room for ” US “.
So , Jeanne, how are things ? You still with Brett? Just curious.
I have been dating a, widower for three years. Yes, it’s been different to what I anticipated. It has been very sad watching somebody you love and care about have moments where they have tears over another person that I didn’t know. I was married for a long time and am very secure in my new relationship but it is a very difficult emotion to address because it is the mother of their children and their late wife.
I have no issue with his wife’s photos. They had three children and I have tried to consider how I would feel if another woman had become a part of my children’s lives. He has taken pictures of him and his wife down but left family pictures up which I find perfectly acceptable and have started adding my own to the collection.
Do we have issues that come up, yes. He still has to visit his children’s grandparents. It’s a bit uncomfortable but they have been accepring of me and hopefully we can continue visiting them.
I don’t want to hear about his late wife constantly, which nobody does in the family,however the odd comment about her is natural, as is me talking about my children’s father. They were a big part of our pasts.
My biggest issue is probably that other people aren’t happy with our relationship and make us feel that our relationship is betraying his late wife.when we got engaged I felt like I had to be secretive and not show how happy I was that he’d asked me to marry him.
The other major issue is that when we have a row his children see only his point. They live eith us and he turns to them and I have nobody as my children are adults. This is the time when I really feel like I’m living in another families home. I hope with time this will pass as I’ve never expected them to move house. I do think this is a consideration widowers need to consider when bringing a new partner into the family home. It is difficult for a woman to take over a home where there was a mother because the ground rules in that house were hers.
Thank you for your blog. I have found most of the view points regarding this topic very interesting. I am a widow, just over 1 year now, after 28 years together. I have to confess this is by far the strangest state of being I have ever experienced. I can identify with those of you who have had others express their opinions of where you should be mentally and emotionally (adult children can be very vocal). That said I would like to comment on several points that have been brought up.
I was married and divorced once, married again then widowed. I have spent more of my life at the age of 51 as a wife than I did as a single woman. There is a part of me that still loves my ex-husband and that will never die nor do I wish it to. When you love someone and commit yourself to them in marriage they become a part of you – that does not go away just because the marriage ends. That person had a hand in shaping who I am today and I would not change that. I speak of my ex and our life together some good things some bad things because it is part of my life. It is not a measuring stick they are just experiences/memories that have been a part of what shaped me. I speak now also of my late husband Michael, both the good and the bad for the same reason and there is a part of me that will always love him because he too is a part of me. As a human being I am not limited to the number of people that I can love or even limited to how many I can love at one time. When or if the time comes that I find another man that I choose to share my life with he also be the beneficiary of a love that knows no limit because that is what I choose to give. He will not be deprived of my love when I share my memories or experiences of the past and because I share does not mean that I have placed my love of him on hold it is simply the sharing of who I am as a person, of how I became this woman that stands here today.
I would prefer to date a widower – they uniquely understand where I am coming from.
As for pictures etc…there will always be pictures of my late husband because he existed in my life, our daughters lives, and our beautiful grandsons lives. Those pictures are little slices of life that bring happiness and heal aching hearts. They remind my grandsons that their Papa loved them with all his heart and that he was proud of them. His trophies are a reminder of who he was as a competitive man and are a reminder for the grandsons that hard work and practice are what makes a man a successful man. Should this make another man who may enter my life intimidated or feel that I am incapable of commitment to him or hold him as third best? Absolutely not. They are there for the benefit of my grandsons and my daughters. If I make a commitment to a new man I will be as likely to hold him up and display his accomplishments/actions/awards/trophies to my grandsons and my daughters as good examples of how a solid man lives his life. This is what healthy relationships are made of, the blending of our lives together. That said I have removed a lot of Michael’s things and have only kept a small number displayed solely for our daughters and our grandsons (3 & 5 years of age) there are no shrines.
Regarding the spouse’s family, they are my family for life, death did not sever that tie. When I married I became part of his family and he became part of mine, because we had children and grandchildren together those extended family members became even more permanent and involved in my life. Anyone thinking about marriage to a widow or widower faces the same predicament one would face if marrying a divorcee with children – you are gaining a whole lot of family and possibly some baggage you may find difficult to handle. Be aware and talk it out.
All in all, healthy open honest communication with one another is the key, working it out so that each person feels they have been not only heard but are deeply loved. What works for you and what works for another may be vastly different just as with everything else in life, you have to find what fits for you. Distance yourself from those who are negative (there is a difference between negativity and loving concern) listen only to those who have proven themselves trustworthy and committed to what is best for you, that want you to love the life you are now creating.
Lastly, to all of you who now find yourself in a strange state not of your own choosing, MOVE FORWARD. Please do not linger overly long in the land of regret, anger, loss, and if only’s. You can not change what has happened, it is done, but you have the power to create something new on the foundation of what was already built! Keep what was good and move forward that is your responsibility now not only for yourself but for those who love you and don’t quite know what to do to help you.
Respectfully,
Deanna Butters
Hi Deanna. Please accept my apologies for a tardy reply. Maybe the old adage, better late than never, applies in this case. Reading and re-reading your well thought-out comments essentially dove tails with my sentiments. Both of us have pasts that involve someone special who left the Earth way too early. We do not forget, and that is not reasonable for someone to expect that. Today, I am happily married once again, this time to Jeanne who understands me and communicates beautifully. As she has said to her girl friends, “You wouldn’t buy a dress that doesn’t fit, so why go with a man that doesn’t fit either.” The point here is you have to be patient and wait for the right person. I did just that and I am happier for it. Here’s the best to you!
Sorry, a bit off topic and specific here but I would greatly appreciate it if someone knows the name of the painting (picture) shown in the article.
That is the older man sitting in front of the picture of his wife above the mantle. I’m a widower myself and I would like very much to own a print on this picture but I do not know the name or the artist. Any help would be appreciated – Thank You!
I didn’t read all of the comments but I am a woman about to marry a widower with a young child. My fiancé’s former wife will be a loved member of our family and I have selected two beautiful portraits to adorn our walls. The child she left behind is encouraged to have any and all mementos of his mother in his room that he wishes. Her name will be spoken and her birthday will be celebrated. There will be a memory garden in our backyard. I am content with this because I have compassion for a motherless child. It doesn’t hurt that my fiancé makes me feel like the only woman he has ever loved. I have no doubt that I am the center of his universe.
However, my husband-to-be understands that his marriage to her ended the very day she died and while he is welcome to keep whatever memories he has of her tucked safely away, it is not my desire to live with reminders of their relationship scattered throughout the home where I am living, cooking, cleaning, loving, laughing and mothering. I simply will not live in the romanticized shadow of a deceased wife.
So yeah, lock up the romantic mementos/wedding photos/ashes and put them on the Lufthansa or send them to the moon, it is not my concern what happens to them – I have every right to live out my life with his man without daily reminders that he loved (and will always fondly remember) another woman. She is his ghost, not mine.
I’m guessing 1979 is your DOB?
I’m struggling that a women of your age is willing to play second fiddle. There are ways to help a child remember her mother without having a marriage that has 3 people in it! You can have compassion without adhering to the professional grievers. It is not healthy to have a memorial garden in your new marital home. It echoes what a push over you are and confirms desperate need to please this man whom has little consideration for your feelings! You are allowing her to become your ghost!
I am,sorry was seeing a widower for 5 months. His wife died 2 half years ago. I didn’t know what I was getting into but took it all very slow. I didn’t mind about the pictures, or the bits and pices around because they were things from his wife and the mother of his children. He would talk about her and that’s fine because if he didn’t I would think that more strange.
I was respectful of things like the funeral song if it came on I would be silent or walk out the room as I knew it still affected him.i got on well with his daughters and family,we got on well so what’s the problem? ???
We went on holiday at his request and had a perfect holiday. No cross words just a lovely relaxing fun time. One night there was talk of us being in the same place but he couldn’t say it yet,sort of a guilt thing I asked he said possibly. I thought we has grown close. On our return I was going away a few days later with my friends (prearranged ).
It was on my ret that it seemed to go wrong. I saw him once that weekend, he works away sun-Thurs. I saw him a lot of the next weekend, then news was broken that a good friend of his,his sons wife to be had been diagnosed with the same thing his wife had died of. Off course this would devastate anyone and bring a lot of memories. He blocked me out no calls just odd messages saying he wasn’t good. Although I wanted to be there he said no. So the following Thursday I said I needed a quick chat which he agreed. It seemed normal but it wasn’t. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t think he could feel the same for anyone. I said he could but in a different way. Basically it’s over I am left numb and he is in a bad way. How can I help him . Is this something he will come out of and regret his decision. I have never rushed him or even expected anything I knew it would be a long process. What did I do wrong??? Is this normal pattern of behaviour. He told me a couple of times the bad times seem less since I have been with you,but not this time. Sorry to ramble am so confused and sad x
Dear MMW:
Thank you for taking the time to write to me in response to my seven years as a widower.
Please let me first state that I am not a psychologist, so you can take or leave my comments.
You should not blame yourself. The problem lies with the widower, not you. He is not over the loss even after 2.5 years. The question is when will be move on? There is no reliable answer.
In the meantime you need to enjoy your life, the only one that you have to live.
The answer lies with someone else. I found my someone else, and I am extremely happy. Why not the same for you?
To brighter horizons, Kevin
Hi. I’ve been a widower for almost 4 years. I also have talked to a lot of divorced men and get no sympathy from them about having to take on all the cleaning, cooking etc. I always want to say that being widowed is different from divorce because I would still be with my wife is given the choice and she’d still be with me. But I guess not every spouse loses their mate willingly in a divorce either. Since losing her one additional thing that I’ve lost (as if losing her wasn’t enough) is my feeling of being attractive. Is this a common feeling? I’m guessing it is much worse for people who are divorced since the spouse left him or her willingly. My wife loved me and always told me I was handsome. Now I have to face the truth about myself and realize that love can be blind and whatever looks I may have had when we met are long gone.
Hi Jeff: I was in your boat for seven years. And it was not an issue of a lack of effort on my part; it really boiled down to finding the right woman. You will need to be patient, and get advice from women, not from men. If you are feeling unattractive, do something about it! Get fit. Work out. Run. Feel better about yourself. ALWAYS Project a happy, healthy person. And keep in mind that widowers make the best lovers. All the best, Kevin https://almostdailybrett.wordpress.com/2013/11/04/why-widowers-make-the-best-lovers/
I would be upset if my spouse posted his ex/ deceased girlfriend picture on FB
I’ve had one-year relationships with two widowers, and I’ve had one boyfriend and one fiance die unexpectedly.
Both of the widowers had many mementos; for example, one’s kitchen cupboard was full of “World’s Best Husband” and “I Love You” mugs, and the other had his late wife’s photos in the living room. Certainly both had the right to keep or display the mementos, but I have the right to avoid such men in the future, and I will. One of the widowers constantly compared me (unfavorably) to his late wife, even though she had been dead for ten years. He also did this to his own daughters (e.g., “Your mother would NEVER do a thing like that). Sheesh. No thanks.
When my boyfriend and fiance died, I took time to grieve–complete with photos on the wall, etc.–and then I put the photos and other memorabilia away, or got rid of it. Certainly no man would put up with such competition; why should a woman?
We all have memories, but we should keep them to ourselves (most of the time) or stay single.
Very well expressed and realistic.